Monday, January 30, 2012
Understanding how to undertand. I have no clue.
So I was driving down the road today thinking to myself, "how can I be of such a sound mind in my life but cant overcome the hopeless, helpless feeling I feel when I think about my infertility". What I mean is, I work in the banking industry. I work with peoples money, and if you know anything about the banking industry over the past few years, you know that the economy has tanked and many many people lost a lot of their money if not all of it. I have been able to help people, make adjustments for people, learn the new regulations and encourage people almost on a daily basis. Also, in the past five years I have moved from Tennessee to the Washington DC area where we moved 3 times. Then my husband had to go to a school for work for six months and I lived between a friends house in Arlington and my moms house in Tennessee. During that time we found out we were being relocated to Wichita KS. I came to Wichita and picked out a house for my and I to move to. Now we live in Wichita. Point being......I have been through all of this, been very strong about all of the moving and re-establishing a life in new places with no problem. All of this seemed very easy to me. So why, when my brother-in-law and his wife announce that they are pregnant on facebook today, can I not hold it together. Its freaking facebook, and its family, and I in no way shape or form with infertility on her nor anyone. So why ????????? Im starting to get sick of myself. I am a very positive person. Why can I not overcome this feeling of infertility. I HATE that it is taking over me. Does anyone else feel like this ever? Im starting to resent myself. How is it I can understand the banking rules and regulations (and trust me there are thousands and they change all the time) but I cant understand myself? Goodnight!
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I was once in your shoes. I went through procedure after procedure after procedure..blah blah blah...and it didn't work. I'm not posting to try to scare you just to give you another way to look at things. I will start out saying that I hope that everything works for you and you have thousands of healthy babies:)!!! It was tough, very tough. I too have a great husband (at least it sounds like you do too :) a great family, good job, supportive people surrounding me, but struggled quietly inside for fear of looking weak. I too strolled the blogs looking for answers, now I just post these anonymous words of wisdom. We read and post these blogs and feel great about it and strong when we do it, but then we put the computer down and forget about how good we felt when we were on the computer and get depressed and beat ourselves up again, but for what? What good is it doing us to put ourselves through all that? It took a while till someone told me something that made me feel different though. Someone told me this: You are not defined as a women by your ability to have children, you're defined as a women by the way you live your life and what you with it, you're defined as a women the same way you're defined as a human. I thought about it and realized that I had a fantastic life and was wasting it beating myself up over something I couldn't control. You'll figure this out one day, you will, but only when you're ready. You seem smart, well spoken and very loved by your family. You'll figure out that your life is great. You'll realize that if you can't have children, then that only means that you'll have a life you never thought you would. Sounds scary huh? But it's not the end of your life, it's the start of one you never thought you'd have. And you can spend it wishing for what you don't have, or you can live it with the zest you seem to exude, but it will be up to you. You are no less of a great, loving, and very loved woman just because you can't have children. You may find you're life goes one with just you and you're husband, but dont' waste it in depression about infertility, instead live the hell out of it and do it the best you can! After all, you could be in a situation without a loving husband, loving family, good job and lots of family (and online:) support!!!
ReplyDeleteYes, I definitely feel like this from time to time. Especially when surrounded by colleagues who are heavily pregnant and I have to be around them all day. I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way that you do and if it's not, well, there are alot of us a'abnormals' out there!
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