Stages.....Trying to understand

So, I was driving down the road this morning on my way to work and a thought came to me.....I think I have entered my angry phase.  Yep, I said the angry phase.  It seems that my sadness about all the pregnancy around me is now making me angry.  I keep thinking why her, and whats so special about them??  And although I know that i cant control what is going on with this fertility thing and how Im feeling I wish that I could let the people around me understand.  Take yesterday for example, my sister-in-law got her first ultrasound photo yesterday and posted it on facebook.  I saw it on there and took a good long look at it.  All of a sudden I was angry.  Almost as if to think, how dare her post that picture, in fact how dare all these pregnant women gush about their pregnancies like they do.  Then, last night my husband says that he bought their baby a onesie and a little beanie stocking cap from his works gift shop in Denver.  Once again I was angry.  Not that he bought them something, more angry that he cant buy our baby something like that because we cant have a baby.  Then my husband says to me, did you get the text of the ultrasound picture.  Nope, I sure didn't.  Then of course I was angry that she sent the pictures around, or was I angry she didn't send me one.   Not that I want one because Im fairly certain that would have put me over the edge.  Either way I am angry.  I am actually going somewhere with all of this......Not too long ago I read that struggling with infertility can be emotionally very very difficult.  (No Shit??)  They say that the closest thing you can relate the feeling of infertility to is the feeling and grief you feel from a loved one dying.  Wow!!!!!!Holy Cow.....Really.  I never thought about it like that.   Well I havent had a relative die in a long time, so.....But these past few days that I have been angry have kind of made me realize that it is kind of a grieving process.  If you think about the 5 stages of grief it kind of makes sense.  The 5 stages are:

Stage 1 - Denial  "This cant be happening to me"
Stage 2 - Anger   "Why Me"
Stage 3 - Bargaining  "I will give my life savings if I can...."
Stage 4 - Depression  "Im so sad, why bother with anything"
Stage 5 - Acceptance  "Its going to be ok"

Sound like what you have been going through????  Well it definitely sounds like what I am going through.  Except the problem is, we dont want to talk about it, or other people dont understand and we feel stupid on top of all of the above because you dont know how to help them understand and you dont have the energy to explain it so they can understand.  And you dont have the energy to deal with anything but infertility cause God knows it takes a toll on ya.  Right....So.  I came up with the 5 stages of Infertility Grief.  Very similar to the ones above but more directed towards grief from feeling infertile:

Stage 1 - Denial - May last throughout the entire process of infertility.
       Example - Keeping that smile on your face when people at work ask you when you are going to start having kids and you say something like "oh one day.  my husband just started his new job and we want to wait until we are settled".  or you say "We just moved into our new house and we want to pay it down a bit before we start having kids" and YOU actually believe what you just said.

Stage 2 - Anger - May come and go without any warning.  Kind of like your period after a few treatments.  And sometimes you cant control it.
       Example - You think to yourself "Why not me"...... "What is so special about her that she gets to have 5 kids and I cant have one"

Stage 3 - Bargaining -Doesn't happen everyday.  Often happens when something to do with your treatment or a test of some sort  is coming up soon.
       Example - Your period is expected soon but you made sure you did everything right this month with your temperature and charting and timing everything just right.  So "if it works just this one time I wont complain my entire pregnancy"  "if it just works this one time we will be thankful and if we only have one we will never ask for another blessing for anything for the rest of our life"  or "If this test result comes out with good results I will make sure that I pray everyday and thank God every day for the rest of my life no matter how I am feeling"

Stage 4 - Depression - Pretty much a staple in your lifestyle now.  Much like anger, and denial will likely last throughout the entire process.  Its like your angry invisible twin, its always there and you never know when its going to be provoked.
       Example - Everything is going good, surgery is booked and the doctor thinks this is really going to help but a week before the surgery you find out that 3 of your friends are 6 weeks pregnant.  BAM!!!!!DEPRESSION!!!!!! Just when you thought things were looking up.  Or your on your way to work and you hear a sad song and for no reason at all you are a balling mess because you dont know what to do about your infertility situation.

Stage 5 - Acceptance - Not sure this is something that is real or an act the we get good at.  And I actually dont have any examples yet.  Because if there is one thing I do know about us women in this situation, we dont give up easily.  Thats why we are all here.

We may go through Stages 1-4 in one day, but we still keep on trucking.  Always looking for the next treatment type, or a new treatment facility.

Most people dont and wont understand all of this, but for those of us out here that do, I'd say dealing with this stuff on a daily basis makes us pretty freaking badass!!!!!!

PS.  I have been without my period for 20 days.  That means I am on day 25 of my cycle.  Wow, what a difference a laparoscopy makes.  :)  Happy fertile thoughts to everyone.

So here we go again......

Well..Here I am.  Its been a while.  Writing this blog and reading other stories has actually already helped way more than I thought it would.  I have been able to think about other things in my life, other positive things.  And it has made a big difference.
On another note, I had my post op today.  It was actually suppose to be Thursday but there was a mix up so I rescheduled.  Anyways, I was told after two weeks I could resume normal activities so this last Friday.  So we did...You know...Resume...  Which means we are actively trying to conceive, again.   Except this time we are only going to try naturally for a couple of months before we go back to the RE.  Im really really really hoping it will work naturally this time.  
And on one more note.. :) Our trip to New York is completely booked.  I cant wait to be back in a city again.  Not necessarily my city but any city will do at this point.  I love the traffic here in Kansas but I cant wait to get back to the fast paced lifestyle.  It will also be good for my husband and I to get away for a while.  just the two of us.  Im so excited.
Oh, and one more thing...... I havent been on my period for 17 days.  I havent been without my period for  more than 14 days in I dont know when.  Things are looking up.  Happy fertile feelings everyone.

Understanding how to undertand. I have no clue.

So I was driving down the road today thinking to myself, "how can I be of such a sound mind in my life but cant overcome the hopeless, helpless feeling I feel when I think about my infertility".  What I mean is, I work in the banking industry.  I work with peoples money, and if you know anything about the banking industry over the past few years, you know that the economy has tanked and many many people lost a lot of their money if not all of it.  I have been able to help people, make adjustments for people, learn the new regulations and encourage people almost on a daily basis.  Also, in the past five years I have moved from Tennessee to the Washington DC area where we moved 3 times.  Then my husband had to go to a school for work for six months and I lived between a friends house in Arlington and my moms house in Tennessee.  During that time we found out we were being relocated to Wichita KS.  I came to Wichita and picked out a house for my and I to move to.  Now we live in Wichita.  Point being......I have been through all of this, been very strong about all of the moving and re-establishing a life in new places with no problem.  All of this seemed very easy to me.  So why, when my brother-in-law and his wife announce that they are pregnant on facebook today, can I not hold it together.  Its freaking facebook, and its family, and I in no way shape or form with infertility on her nor anyone.  So why ?????????  Im starting to get sick of myself.  I am a very positive person.  Why can I not overcome this feeling of infertility.  I HATE that it is taking over me.  Does anyone else feel like this ever?  Im starting to resent myself.  How is it I can understand the banking rules and regulations (and trust me there are thousands and they change all the time) but I cant understand myself?  Goodnight!

Keep on Keepin on....

Well, today was a good day.  I  have been busy all day long.  Yesterday however, was not a good day.  It started out good.  I was very energetic in the morning, as usual.  And then all of a sudden I felt my back start hurting kind of like it does when when Im about to start my period.  This immediately made me very upset.  As of yesterday I had been off my period for a week.  My emotions took over and I started crying and crying.  And I couldn't get myself together.  It seems like every other day Im an emotional mess.  Im a fairly strong person but getting my period every other week is taking its toll on me.  Luckily I didn't start my period but man did it show me how much of a basket case I am lately.  I get crazy at even a hint of a sign that Im going to start my period.  I go to the Dr on Friday so I am eager to find out where we go next.  Today, though, today was a good day.  I got some new makeup and new shoes, did some couponing, and got the house clean a bit.  Made a great dinner and now I am relaxing.  Im also going back to work tomorrow after a week and a half of being out for surgery.  I am so excited to start getting out of the house again.
On an entire different note, my husband said I needed to put a picture of the two of us on my blog.   I figure it wont hurt.  I do kindof want to keep these writings anonymous but I was thinking, I like to see what the people that Im reading about look like so I would imagine that people reading my blog might want to see what I look like.  So I am going to look for a picture to put up.
I hope everyone has had a great weekend and has a great week.

Nothing can go smoothly.....Can it???

Well I have been out of the blogosphere for a few days now.  Turns out I have some sort of inner ear problem that may or may not have been caused by the anesthesia.  I am very dizzy and shaky and very very disoriented.  I cant drive or do much of anything.  Its like if its not one thing its another.  This week isn't a good week for all of this either.  Sadly we have come to the conclusion that we need to rehome our cats.  We have had them since they were kittens and have loved having them but our girl cat seems very depressed since we got our dog.  Also, my husband seems to have become allergic to the cats which we were going to try to overcome but nothing seems to be working so we had to make the decision.  My husband is having a hard time with it and feeling very very guilty.  Its like nothing comes easy.
As for my surgery I have my post-op appointment on the 3rd.  At that point I should be able to resume my normal activities and I cant wait.
On another note, my MIL is here to help me around the house since when I move I get very dizzy and disoriented.  But now its like a big elephant in the room.  Im talking about my brother in law and his wife expecting their first baby.  I feel more like a disappointment when she is here in the flesh.  We haven't spoken about it and I am not ready.  Makes me feel horrible.  And when my MIL says her name I cringe inside in fear that she is going to want to talk about this pregnancy.  And she should want to talk about it.  I mean it is her first grandchild, why wouldn't she.  Once again these infertile feelings suck.  But, Im really really hoping that as of the 3rd of February that we will be back on this baby making train and maybe this time it will work.  
Im gearing up for February being our month.  Trip to NYC, baby making, Valentines Day, and even though its not in February, March 1 is our 4 year anniversary.  Heres hoping for a great next 30 something days.

And here we go!!

So it has been 3 days since my Lap and I am finally feeling a bit better.  I haven't taken any pain medication today.  I am having some cramps though but I am fairly certain that that is normal.  I was suppose to start a new pack of pills today but decided not to.  Im ready to get this started.  Im also considering acupuncture.  Has anyone else out there tried it?  Did it work?  Does it really calm you? I could definitely use some relaxation.  In other news our cat has been acting up really bad and peeing in the floor and in the sink.  We have had our cats for almost four years and the girl cat has never ever done anything like this.  We think that she is mad because of the dog that we have.  About 10 months ago we got a little Beiwer Yorkie and our girl cat has completely changed since then.  We are thinking that we are going to have to get rid of her, especially since we are getting on the fertility train again.  The ammonia is definitely not good for me not to mention my husband has developed an allergy to cats somehow.  Its like every time we turn around there is something else we are having to deal with.  On a good note though, we are planning a trip to New York City for a long weekend in a couple of weeks.  I am thinking that a little trip like that is just what we need.  Hope everyone had a great weekend and has a good week.

Day of the Laparoscopy!!!!!

Well, today was the big day.  I had my laparoscopy today and everything went well.  I was so concerned that they would go in to find that nothing is wrong like the last time with my tubal ligation.  Well there was no need to be concerned this time.  They went in and I do have endometriosis.  It wasn't too bad and they were able to remove it which is a good thing.  I didn't get to talk to the doctor but she did talk to my husband and my mom and she is suppose to call me tomorrow to explain to me in detail.  Im very eager for this phone call because for some reason I feel like my husband and my mom arent telling me everything.  Probably just paranoia from the medicine or my defensive nature that stems from this infertility journey I am going through.  Either way I guess I will find out more tomorrow when she calls.  I am still in a bit of pain from the gas that they put in me and I am still nauseous from the anesthesia but other than that I feel fine.  The incisions dont hurt bad except when I move around so I am assuming thats a good sign.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling even better.  I can tell you this though, as soon as the doctor clears me and I am feeling better this I am going to turn into an exercising baby making machine.  Also, I am still on the pill until Saturday and I plan on not renewing my prescription as long as the doctor says its ok.  Its not working anyways since I have had my period for two weeks and have had terrible cramps on and off for those two weeks.  Not really sure why I stayed on the pill this long anyways.      Well, outside of the fertility world form me today, my mom came to be with me during my down time and it is great having her here.  She flew in last night and will stay until Sunday.  I love having her.  Also, both of my brother-in-laws and my sister-in-law (the pregnant one that is married to my husbands brother) sent me flowers and chocolates with a card and that made me feel better and mor disappointed in my self that I cant address the pregnancy yet.  Hopefully getting off this pill and getting off my period will help with this slight depression I have been having.  Well I am going to rest some more.  I hope everyone had a great day and is having a good day.  Also, I apologize if there are any misspellings in my writings today as I am still just a tiny bit loopy.  Have a great night everyone.

So...Tomorrow is the big day.  Im not even nervous.  Im not scared.  Im just ready.  I just keep thinking this time tomorrow I will know what has been going on with my body and will hopefully have hope for the first time in a long time.  I AM READY!!!!!!  I hope everyone has a great Thursday.  Happy Fertility Thoughts!!!!!

Relaxing Day!!!

So Im getting this blog thing going.  :)  I was off work today so I decided to spend the day pampering myself.  Went and got a 60 minute massage followed by a 60 minute facial followed by a quick hair appointment.  It was a good day.  Except for the part where the girl that was blow drying my hair, who is 7 months pregnant, was talking to the girl next to us about how "everybody is pregnant right now around here".  Well....no their not.   Its like it consumes me.  Everywhere I go, there it is.  Its like you go buy a purple Audi because you have never seen a purple Audi and as soon as you get 1 mile down the road you get behind a purple Audi and beside a purple Audi.  But, Other than that I do have to say that I had a great relaxing day.  This evening my husband and I drove around our town looking at homes that we looked at before we bought our house.  I love Real Estate so this was a great end to a great relaxing day.
My husband and I also had "The Talk".  You know the...How long are we going to do this fertility thing?, If we cant have children what will we do that we wouldn't be able to do if we had children?  Where will we live?  We decided we will move to Hawaii or New York City for a few years, and vacation 2-3 times a year in exotic places we have yet to hear of and the hard decision of when will be our stopping point, which is undecided except that we will no longer try after we reach 32.  Of course these things could and probably will change but hey, whatever you gotta do to get you through this emotional, crazy roller coaster of infertility.  Oh, and I am two days away from my Lap!....Im not even nervous.  I am ssssssssoooooooo ready!!!!!!!!  Hope everyone is having as great of a day as I have had.  Happy Fertility Feelings to all!!!!!

More About Me Part 2

Still trying to get you caught up.  My laparoscopy was scheduled for Tuesday January 10.   On January 6 the surgery center called to go over my information.  As I read her the list of medications I was taking she stopped me mid sentence to ask me if I had stopped taking one of the medications I had just mentioned.  When I said no she abruptly said, "well you cant be put under anesthesia unless you have been off that medication for two weeks".  Well I fell apart.  For some reason it tore me up something terrible.  I cried for the rest of the day.  Now my surgery is scheduled for this Thursday January 19.  So all the crying happened that Thursday(Jan 5) and Friday(Jan 6) when I was told that I had to wait two more weeks to have my laparoscopy done.  Saturday(Jan 7) I felt a little better but randomly started my period about 9 days before I was suppose to.  I didn't think that was suppose to happen when you were on the pill.  Its one of two reasons I am on the pill right?  Whatever, par for the coarse.  Saturday(Jan 7) came and went.  Sunday(Jan 8) my husband and I decided he needed new pants.  So me, my early period and my husband head to the mall.  As we are getting into the car my husband says, oh, I have a missed call from my brother (just got married this summer younger 25 year old brother).  My husband calls him back as we are pulling out of the driveway.  I can here him answer the phone.  They exchanged pleasantries and I hear his brother say "(insert wifes name) is pregnant".  My stomach sank, I felt like I was going throw up, pass out, and hyperventilate all at the same time.  As we pull into Starbucks (My husband is addicted to Starbucks), about a mile from my house I was fighting back tears harder then I had every fought back tears before.  So many things were running through my mind.....How could this be, they have only been married for 6 months?  They weren't even trying.  Now Im going to have to be around a baby.  How am I going to deal with this.  Why cant this be me?  How is it that it happens to everyone but me?  Is it because she is more sweet and innocent then me?  And on and on.  By the time my husband gets back into the car I can barely speak.  And I sure don't want him to speak, especially about this new news.  But, he of course does.  I couldn't hold the tears back anymore.  All I could say was something about I didn't want to talk about it and that I need a few days to accept this.  Needless to say I cried and cried as we turned the car around and went back home.  When we got home all I could do was cry and think.......and then the guilt started kicking in.  The truth is I knew that deep down I was happy for them.  But why couldn't I feel the happy.  Sadly, up until now I have been able to distance myself from any friend/acquaintance that had become pregnant.  What will I do this time.  Its my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law.  I can't distance myself.  My head started spinning.  I went back and forth between guilt and self pity.  This went on for two days.  I cried all day Sunday and Monday.  By Wednesday my husband and I had the conversation about how I wasn't ready to deal with it yet.  Now its Sunday(Jan 15), and I still cant talk about it.  Im smart enough to now that this is not going to go away but I cant shake this feeling this time.  I hope this goes away soon because I feel so guilty.

More About Me Part 1

A little bit more about me and my infertility background.  I married my wonderful husband in March of 2008.  In September of 2008 we decided I would get off the pill and start trying to get pregnant.  By September 2009 nothing.  I knew something was wrong.  My whole life my periods were very regular but I alsways had really bad cramps.  Over the year my periods were getting closer (approximately every 18 to 23 days) and I was having terrible terrible immobilizing cramps.  Even worse than usual.  I used ovulation tests and was ovulating 3 days before I would get my period.  Our doctor told us implantation could not happen in that time.  By January 2010 we were knee deep in fertility treatments.  IUI was the course of action.  By May 2010 we had attempted 5 IUI treatments 2 of which were cancelled and 3 of which resulted in no pregnancy.  By the summer of 2010 we decided to take a break.  In October of 2010 we found out we would be moving across the country and my husband would have to go away for work from January to June.   So this meant we had to put everything on hold.  I stayed off the pill during our transition up until 4 months ago.  My periods were so bad that I would be immobile for 2 days every 22-23 days so I just decided it be best to get back on the pill to try and regulate my periods and control the cramping.  Well, that didn't work.  So, we met with our doctor a couple weeks ago and told her about the issues I have been having and to let her know we wanted to jump back in the fertility treatment train.  She decided we needed to do a laparoscopy to determine what is going on since the pill isn't helping the way its suppose to.  This brings us to the present moment.