Stages.....Trying to understand

So, I was driving down the road this morning on my way to work and a thought came to me.....I think I have entered my angry phase.  Yep, I said the angry phase.  It seems that my sadness about all the pregnancy around me is now making me angry.  I keep thinking why her, and whats so special about them??  And although I know that i cant control what is going on with this fertility thing and how Im feeling I wish that I could let the people around me understand.  Take yesterday for example, my sister-in-law got her first ultrasound photo yesterday and posted it on facebook.  I saw it on there and took a good long look at it.  All of a sudden I was angry.  Almost as if to think, how dare her post that picture, in fact how dare all these pregnant women gush about their pregnancies like they do.  Then, last night my husband says that he bought their baby a onesie and a little beanie stocking cap from his works gift shop in Denver.  Once again I was angry.  Not that he bought them something, more angry that he cant buy our baby something like that because we cant have a baby.  Then my husband says to me, did you get the text of the ultrasound picture.  Nope, I sure didn't.  Then of course I was angry that she sent the pictures around, or was I angry she didn't send me one.   Not that I want one because Im fairly certain that would have put me over the edge.  Either way I am angry.  I am actually going somewhere with all of this......Not too long ago I read that struggling with infertility can be emotionally very very difficult.  (No Shit??)  They say that the closest thing you can relate the feeling of infertility to is the feeling and grief you feel from a loved one dying.  Wow!!!!!!Holy Cow.....Really.  I never thought about it like that.   Well I havent had a relative die in a long time, so.....But these past few days that I have been angry have kind of made me realize that it is kind of a grieving process.  If you think about the 5 stages of grief it kind of makes sense.  The 5 stages are:

Stage 1 - Denial  "This cant be happening to me"
Stage 2 - Anger   "Why Me"
Stage 3 - Bargaining  "I will give my life savings if I can...."
Stage 4 - Depression  "Im so sad, why bother with anything"
Stage 5 - Acceptance  "Its going to be ok"

Sound like what you have been going through????  Well it definitely sounds like what I am going through.  Except the problem is, we dont want to talk about it, or other people dont understand and we feel stupid on top of all of the above because you dont know how to help them understand and you dont have the energy to explain it so they can understand.  And you dont have the energy to deal with anything but infertility cause God knows it takes a toll on ya.  Right....So.  I came up with the 5 stages of Infertility Grief.  Very similar to the ones above but more directed towards grief from feeling infertile:

Stage 1 - Denial - May last throughout the entire process of infertility.
       Example - Keeping that smile on your face when people at work ask you when you are going to start having kids and you say something like "oh one day.  my husband just started his new job and we want to wait until we are settled".  or you say "We just moved into our new house and we want to pay it down a bit before we start having kids" and YOU actually believe what you just said.

Stage 2 - Anger - May come and go without any warning.  Kind of like your period after a few treatments.  And sometimes you cant control it.
       Example - You think to yourself "Why not me"...... "What is so special about her that she gets to have 5 kids and I cant have one"

Stage 3 - Bargaining -Doesn't happen everyday.  Often happens when something to do with your treatment or a test of some sort  is coming up soon.
       Example - Your period is expected soon but you made sure you did everything right this month with your temperature and charting and timing everything just right.  So "if it works just this one time I wont complain my entire pregnancy"  "if it just works this one time we will be thankful and if we only have one we will never ask for another blessing for anything for the rest of our life"  or "If this test result comes out with good results I will make sure that I pray everyday and thank God every day for the rest of my life no matter how I am feeling"

Stage 4 - Depression - Pretty much a staple in your lifestyle now.  Much like anger, and denial will likely last throughout the entire process.  Its like your angry invisible twin, its always there and you never know when its going to be provoked.
       Example - Everything is going good, surgery is booked and the doctor thinks this is really going to help but a week before the surgery you find out that 3 of your friends are 6 weeks pregnant.  BAM!!!!!DEPRESSION!!!!!! Just when you thought things were looking up.  Or your on your way to work and you hear a sad song and for no reason at all you are a balling mess because you dont know what to do about your infertility situation.

Stage 5 - Acceptance - Not sure this is something that is real or an act the we get good at.  And I actually dont have any examples yet.  Because if there is one thing I do know about us women in this situation, we dont give up easily.  Thats why we are all here.

We may go through Stages 1-4 in one day, but we still keep on trucking.  Always looking for the next treatment type, or a new treatment facility.

Most people dont and wont understand all of this, but for those of us out here that do, I'd say dealing with this stuff on a daily basis makes us pretty freaking badass!!!!!!

PS.  I have been without my period for 20 days.  That means I am on day 25 of my cycle.  Wow, what a difference a laparoscopy makes.  :)  Happy fertile thoughts to everyone.

So here we go again......

Well..Here I am.  Its been a while.  Writing this blog and reading other stories has actually already helped way more than I thought it would.  I have been able to think about other things in my life, other positive things.  And it has made a big difference.
On another note, I had my post op today.  It was actually suppose to be Thursday but there was a mix up so I rescheduled.  Anyways, I was told after two weeks I could resume normal activities so this last Friday.  So we did...You know...Resume...  Which means we are actively trying to conceive, again.   Except this time we are only going to try naturally for a couple of months before we go back to the RE.  Im really really really hoping it will work naturally this time.  
And on one more note.. :) Our trip to New York is completely booked.  I cant wait to be back in a city again.  Not necessarily my city but any city will do at this point.  I love the traffic here in Kansas but I cant wait to get back to the fast paced lifestyle.  It will also be good for my husband and I to get away for a while.  just the two of us.  Im so excited.
Oh, and one more thing...... I havent been on my period for 17 days.  I havent been without my period for  more than 14 days in I dont know when.  Things are looking up.  Happy fertile feelings everyone.

Understanding how to undertand. I have no clue.

So I was driving down the road today thinking to myself, "how can I be of such a sound mind in my life but cant overcome the hopeless, helpless feeling I feel when I think about my infertility".  What I mean is, I work in the banking industry.  I work with peoples money, and if you know anything about the banking industry over the past few years, you know that the economy has tanked and many many people lost a lot of their money if not all of it.  I have been able to help people, make adjustments for people, learn the new regulations and encourage people almost on a daily basis.  Also, in the past five years I have moved from Tennessee to the Washington DC area where we moved 3 times.  Then my husband had to go to a school for work for six months and I lived between a friends house in Arlington and my moms house in Tennessee.  During that time we found out we were being relocated to Wichita KS.  I came to Wichita and picked out a house for my and I to move to.  Now we live in Wichita.  Point being......I have been through all of this, been very strong about all of the moving and re-establishing a life in new places with no problem.  All of this seemed very easy to me.  So why, when my brother-in-law and his wife announce that they are pregnant on facebook today, can I not hold it together.  Its freaking facebook, and its family, and I in no way shape or form with infertility on her nor anyone.  So why ?????????  Im starting to get sick of myself.  I am a very positive person.  Why can I not overcome this feeling of infertility.  I HATE that it is taking over me.  Does anyone else feel like this ever?  Im starting to resent myself.  How is it I can understand the banking rules and regulations (and trust me there are thousands and they change all the time) but I cant understand myself?  Goodnight!

More About Me Part 1

A little bit more about me and my infertility background.  I married my wonderful husband in March of 2008.  In September of 2008 we decided I would get off the pill and start trying to get pregnant.  By September 2009 nothing.  I knew something was wrong.  My whole life my periods were very regular but I alsways had really bad cramps.  Over the year my periods were getting closer (approximately every 18 to 23 days) and I was having terrible terrible immobilizing cramps.  Even worse than usual.  I used ovulation tests and was ovulating 3 days before I would get my period.  Our doctor told us implantation could not happen in that time.  By January 2010 we were knee deep in fertility treatments.  IUI was the course of action.  By May 2010 we had attempted 5 IUI treatments 2 of which were cancelled and 3 of which resulted in no pregnancy.  By the summer of 2010 we decided to take a break.  In October of 2010 we found out we would be moving across the country and my husband would have to go away for work from January to June.   So this meant we had to put everything on hold.  I stayed off the pill during our transition up until 4 months ago.  My periods were so bad that I would be immobile for 2 days every 22-23 days so I just decided it be best to get back on the pill to try and regulate my periods and control the cramping.  Well, that didn't work.  So, we met with our doctor a couple weeks ago and told her about the issues I have been having and to let her know we wanted to jump back in the fertility treatment train.  She decided we needed to do a laparoscopy to determine what is going on since the pill isn't helping the way its suppose to.  This brings us to the present moment.