More About Me Part 2

Still trying to get you caught up.  My laparoscopy was scheduled for Tuesday January 10.   On January 6 the surgery center called to go over my information.  As I read her the list of medications I was taking she stopped me mid sentence to ask me if I had stopped taking one of the medications I had just mentioned.  When I said no she abruptly said, "well you cant be put under anesthesia unless you have been off that medication for two weeks".  Well I fell apart.  For some reason it tore me up something terrible.  I cried for the rest of the day.  Now my surgery is scheduled for this Thursday January 19.  So all the crying happened that Thursday(Jan 5) and Friday(Jan 6) when I was told that I had to wait two more weeks to have my laparoscopy done.  Saturday(Jan 7) I felt a little better but randomly started my period about 9 days before I was suppose to.  I didn't think that was suppose to happen when you were on the pill.  Its one of two reasons I am on the pill right?  Whatever, par for the coarse.  Saturday(Jan 7) came and went.  Sunday(Jan 8) my husband and I decided he needed new pants.  So me, my early period and my husband head to the mall.  As we are getting into the car my husband says, oh, I have a missed call from my brother (just got married this summer younger 25 year old brother).  My husband calls him back as we are pulling out of the driveway.  I can here him answer the phone.  They exchanged pleasantries and I hear his brother say "(insert wifes name) is pregnant".  My stomach sank, I felt like I was going throw up, pass out, and hyperventilate all at the same time.  As we pull into Starbucks (My husband is addicted to Starbucks), about a mile from my house I was fighting back tears harder then I had every fought back tears before.  So many things were running through my mind.....How could this be, they have only been married for 6 months?  They weren't even trying.  Now Im going to have to be around a baby.  How am I going to deal with this.  Why cant this be me?  How is it that it happens to everyone but me?  Is it because she is more sweet and innocent then me?  And on and on.  By the time my husband gets back into the car I can barely speak.  And I sure don't want him to speak, especially about this new news.  But, he of course does.  I couldn't hold the tears back anymore.  All I could say was something about I didn't want to talk about it and that I need a few days to accept this.  Needless to say I cried and cried as we turned the car around and went back home.  When we got home all I could do was cry and think.......and then the guilt started kicking in.  The truth is I knew that deep down I was happy for them.  But why couldn't I feel the happy.  Sadly, up until now I have been able to distance myself from any friend/acquaintance that had become pregnant.  What will I do this time.  Its my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law.  I can't distance myself.  My head started spinning.  I went back and forth between guilt and self pity.  This went on for two days.  I cried all day Sunday and Monday.  By Wednesday my husband and I had the conversation about how I wasn't ready to deal with it yet.  Now its Sunday(Jan 15), and I still cant talk about it.  Im smart enough to now that this is not going to go away but I cant shake this feeling this time.  I hope this goes away soon because I feel so guilty.